The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
