rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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