I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
