She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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