please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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