dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
