Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
