he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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