too bad you live with your parents still
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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