My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
