Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
