You just made me feel so damn special
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
