Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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