I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
