Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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