Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
