if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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