I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
