I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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