You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
