im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize