i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
