All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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