Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
