nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
