Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
