my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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