is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
