She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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