i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
