Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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