Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
