At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize