Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
