my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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