Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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