I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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