I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
