last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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