my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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