I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
