How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize