I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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