I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize