The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
