I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
