I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
