so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize