I'll bet she douches with gravy.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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