watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
