Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
