Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
