Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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