My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
