franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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