I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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