A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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