I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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