just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
