he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
